I need support NOW,” screams Matt Hancock, monsoon rain lashing his anguished face in the Vietnam jungle. His droopy features bear the haunted tautness of a soldier who has Seen Too Much.
There will come a point where the public humiliation of Matt Hancock is not funny anymore. We are not at that point yet. Indeed, Hancock’s appearance on the first episode of Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins is the most satisfying instalment on what we may call ‘Hancock’s Self-Imposed Public Flogging Tour’ or ‘Hancock’s Sorry/Not Sorry Road to Non-Revelation’, or even ‘Matt Wants You To Treat Him Like A Bad Little Boy Even Though He’s Innocent of Everything’.
Even after eating bellyfuls of bugs on I’m A Celebrity, our hero is still not finished with his carousel of shame. Unfortunately for him, Channel 4’s Who Dares Wins is not the best choice for a pasty parliamentarian to weasel himself back into, if not the public’s affections, at least the public’s indifference. You see, special forces soldiers don’t take kindly to Matt. The mere sight of him, and almost everything he says and does, brings them out in a ferocious rage. It’s like a bunch of XL Bullies catching sight of a falling pensioner, only funny.
For the uninitiated, SAS: Who Dares Wins is a reality TV show that has been running since 2015, with this being the fifth Celebrity spin-off. It used to be fronted by Ant Middleton, a decorated special forces soldier with boy band good looks, who was a nice fantasy bit of rough for armchair mums and dads to gawp at, until he started telling everyone to ignore Covid and lives their lives just as people started dying in their thousands. Other stuff went down, and he was dismissed from the show in 2021 over his ‘personal conduct’.
He was replaced as Chief Instructor by US Recon Marine Rudy Reyes, which provoked outrage from many fans because Rudy is American and even better looking than Ant Middleton. It was like having a Chippendale take over from Bob, the Sunday night male stripper at the local Spoons; it was just wrong in context.
Anyway, for this season, Rudy is taking more of a backseat, giving two of the show’s stalwart Directing Staff centre stage at last. Jason Fox and Chief Instructor Billy Billingham are terrifying ex-special forces soldiers who could crush a person to death in their frown lines, but they were also always the funniest (Foxy) and most professional (Billy) Staff, whenever they could get a word in around Middleton’s preening. The new fourth addition is former SBS man Chris Oliver, who proves damn good value too.
Mud wrestling time
/ PAThe timing is perfect for this new Staff set-up as the line-up of celebrities taking part in this quasi-SAS selection course is its strongest ever. Beside Hancock, there’s the likes of singer-songwriter Gareth Gates – who is now absolutely ripped and chiselled, believe it or not, like an English Don Draper – and Michelle Heaton and Danielle Lloyd and Melinda Messenger (the latter two being the kind of tiny warrior mums the show thrives on, with 5 kids at home and ready to search and destroy) and Gareth Thomas and a bloke you’ve never heard of from The Only Way Is Essex who looks like David Copperfield but has 25 million followers.
Anyway, it’s all great – celebs punching each other in a mud pit; perfect viewing – but back to Hancock: the show knows it has gold here. It takes Foxy and Billingham about 1.4 nanoseconds to see straight through the former Health Secretary. For some reason, he arrives with a bit of an attitude to him. Even though he runs like Forrest Gump, or “a f***ing Ostrich” as Oliver puts it, Hancock has this tough guy face on him in the early stages. In a talking head cutaway, he says, “I’m used to extreme pressure so what I’m going to face now on this course is water off a duck’s back.”
The Staff don’t like him much. “You think is a game show?!” bellows Billy. In one precious moment of slapstick, Hancock is traversing parallel bars 50 ft in the air, shuffling across them stood up with his arms folded out; he wobbles, straightens, wobbles again, then absurdly performs a somersault straight down the middle between the bars to dangle off the safety wire. “You absolute buffoon!” laughs Foxy. “Cirque de f***ing Soleil,” thunders Billy.
Things get worse for him. Back at the camp, Hancock has to go through one of the show’s interrogation scenes, where he is tied up and quizzed in a stark room by Foxy and Oliver. They hammer him on his conduct in the office during the pandemic, and Hancock, used to taking questions from committees, is genuinely taken aback for probably first time in his life when his defence is halted by Oliver saying: “SHUT THE F*** UP!”
“I didn’t break the rules, only the guidelines,” Hancock manages at last.
“But you wrote the guidelines,” retorts Foxy. “The thing about us is, if we make rules, we follow them. That’s called integrity.”
Ouch. Oh Matt, why do you do this to yourself? Here’s hoping he lasts a few more episodes at least… it’s hilarious.
Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins airs on Channel 4 on Tuesdays at 9pm