I couldn’t tell you exactly when I first started hearing the term “self-care”—let alone hearing it every day—but I can tell you that the expression first appeared in the New York Times on May 9, 1942, in an article titled: “Doctors Ask Public to Curb Aches, Pains.” “It’s not that the doctors do not want business,” the brief, World War II-era story reads, “But they want you to take better care of yourself because the number of physicians available for civilian practice is diminishing rapidly.” Of course, this particular call to action was related to healthcare strain during the war, but some of the advice remains thoroughly relevant; it continues: “Do everything you can to follow the rules of hygiene to maintain good health; a good diet is essential; get plenty of rest.”
The article is short and completely reasonable. Of course, it’s doubtful that the readers and writers of that piece would imagine that one day, “self-care” would come to be a term thrown around so frequently and blithely that it could mean anything from seeing a psychiatrist to putting rose quartz in your bottled water, ignoring texts from your friends or drinking a pitcher of margaritas by yourself. Hell, I’ve seen it appear as justification for masturbating in the middle of the workday. And you know what? That’s fine. Self-care does look and feel different for everyone, and I’m here to evangelize and defend the use of fancy butt cream for this very purpose: taking care of yourself, and ideally doing so in style.
Yes, of course there are plenty of drugstore body lotions that are perfectly fine and will leave your skin softer and more moisturized than without. That, of course, goes without saying. But because very fancy body creams exist, there are bodies that deserve to be slathered in them, including yours and mine. Before encountering Augustinus Bader’s The Body Cream, the bougiest stuff I’d liberally use on my body was a very wonderful-smelling (like, it smells so good) ass cream from Sol de Janeiro called Brazilian Bum Bum Cream. At $48 for just over eight ounces, it felt like the pinnacle of butt-moisturizing luxury. But now, I’ve graduated to the Augustinus Bader Body Cream, which is not only more than three times as expensive ($185 for 6.7 ounces, though quite a bit less if you subscribe), but is just as storied and decadent as Augustinus Bader’s other skincare products, which are major favorites of celebrities including Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Aniston, Leonardo DiCaprio, and even Barbie herself, Margot Robbie. When I got the opportunity to try it, I counted down the minutes until I could unearth it from its textured, tweed-like cardboard box and slather my whole body in it, to be reborn as a smooth, soft, cellulite-free mermaid.
Augustinus Bader
The Body Cream
$185 at Augustinus Bader
The Body Cream is made with the same proprietary TFC8 technology found in the brand’s other skincare products (for your face), which is a patented “Trigger Factor Complex” technology that combines tissue repair research (conducted by Dr. Bader himself when he was a stem-cell-focused biomedical scientist) with a formula of natural amino acids, vitamins, and synthesized molecules. The Body Cream’s formula purports to not only hydrate and nourish, but also improve skin texture and tone, firm the skin, and support cellular renewal. Since Bader dude is the science type, there is, naturally, some science to support its efficacy: In a 12-week clinical trial, 92 percent of participants agreed that The Body Cream helped to reduce the appearance of their cellulite; between 75 percent of participants reported improvement in the appearance of cellulite on their booties, and another 64 percent saw an improvement in the appearance of cellulite on their thighs.
I’d like to be clear: There is nothing wrong with cellulite. Having it is not bad, and the person you’re having sex with (or want to have sex with) probably doesn’t care if you have it, and if they do, they’re just some bogus jabroni and they don’t even deserve to see you naked. That being said, if given the option to have more visible cellulite or less, it’s fair to say that most people would choose less. There is something really pleasing to the eye and to the hand about a smooth, plump behind, and that’s virtually undeniable.
All of the participants in the clinical trial said their skin felt “intensely moisturized and hydrated,” and 98 percent said it felt “firmer and more plump.” Another 89 percent said they noticed a reduction in their skin’s imperfections and pigmentation. This is all to say, the clinical trial’s results support the fact that The Body Cream is, quite literally, the cream of the crop. (I apologize for this pun, which was unintended but which I will be rolling with.)
Alright, what’s in this stuff? Yes, the proprietary TFC8 technology, and also ingredients like shea butter, niacinamide (a form of vitamin B proven to improve skin texture), camellia sinensis leaf extract (aka green tea), white mustard seed extract, ceramides, and other skin-happy ingredients.
So, yes, I have been using it, and you’re wondering: How does it feel? Very thick and silky—more marshmallowy and pillowy than I had imagined. It absorbs very quickly into the skin, is non-sticky, and definitely has an immediate plumping effect. Naturally, I’ve been slathering it all over my butt and thighs, because this is self-care, baby. Also, I love gazing upon its Yves Klein blue jar on my bathroom counter. Bless.
To state the obvious: Yes, it’s wildly expensive. Augustinus Bader does allow customers to donate 5% of their total order value to charity, which is nice. If you’re buying $185 body lotion, that means you’re donating $9.25 to charity just from that one 6.7-ounce jar, you do-gooder. But have you ever been to Las Vegas? When you foolishly lost $260 at the roulette wheel because you got too cocky, did it make your ass feel heavenly or reduce the appearance of cellulite on your thighs? Didn’t think so. So we all have to make choices about where, when, and on what we spend our money.
Anyway, when it comes to luxury body cream, your ass is worth it. Self-care is what you make it, whether that’s a late-night grilled cheese sandwich or a $185 jar of butt lotion.
The Body Cream is available at Augustinus Bader.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.