The 10 new rules of good bonking, according to sex educators – and there’s not a crotchless knicker in sight

WHEN you think of improving your sex life, what springs to mind?

Fancy undies, a new toy, or a night in a hotel?

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We’re all familiar with the old advice on how to get the spark back, but we still feel like failures if it doesn’t end in rampant nooky up against the washing machine.

But here, we share some surprising tips from the world’s greatest experts – and there are no crotchless knickers in sight.

TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF

In sex educator Dr Emily Nagoski’s new book Come Together, we were shocked and relieved in equal measure to read the words: “Sex doesn’t matter.”

A sexpert who tells us not to sweat it if we’re in a dry patch? Yes, please!

“A long-term relationship is hardly ever at risk because of a sex issue,” Emily says.

“Save urgency for the problems where you have something to lose, like disagreements about money, children or health issues.”

She also stresses that it is OK to not want sex, even if it’s for a while.

She often gets asked a version of: “How am I supposed to want sex when my nipples are cracked from breastfeeding and I’m sleeping two hours a night?”

Her answer is: “You’re not.”

REMEMBER WHAT YOU LOVE

Do some of your partner’s habits drive you insane to the extent they’re putting you off sex?

Emily calls this “normal marital hatred” and she suggests that you stop focusing on sex and remember what it is that you like about your partner as a person.

Can you reframe their irritating ways?

If they talk and interrupt too much, could you see them in a more generous light and recognise that they are just excited about life, and that was, in fact, part of what drew you to them?  

FIND OUT YOUR SEXUAL IQ

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The sex education we received as teenagers didn’t encourage us to understand ourselves as sexual beings, which is why sex therapist Dr Emily Morse suggests we improve our “sexual IQ”.

Take notes of the things that help you feel turned on, such as good conversation, dressing up for a date or getting frisky outdoors. What do you fantasise about?

Also, consider your core needs when it comes to sex.

We all want different things, whether it be a feeling of power, or being desired or cared for.

You can then share your learnings with your partner.

TIDY UP

For years, Emily Nagoski and her partner had a laundry chest keeping their bedroom door open to allow the dogs to come and go.

Anytime they wanted privacy, they had to lug it away to close the door.

Once she moved the chest, their sex life improved.

“Salvaging sex isn’t all therapy and feelings,” she says.

“I know that if the aircon is on full blast when I walk into my partner’s house, I am not going to want it.

“Being in a room that’s dirty or smells is going to zap our sexual energy, as is hearing the kids or worrying about the neighbours.

“You can leverage your environment to prime your brain and body for sexual pleasure.”

IDENTIFY SEXUAL THIEVES

It’s important to acknowledge anything that might be blocking a truly pleasurable sex life, such as shame, trauma, health or body-image issues.

It might help to share this with your partner, if you feel safe to, or even a therapist.

Remember to go gently – nothing needs to change overnight.

The best way to be a good lover to your partner is to start with yourself.

ENJOY BEING LAZY

In her book The Heart Of Tantric Sex, Diana Richardson argues that the best sex doesn’t come from acrobatic moves or effort, but from being deeply relaxed.

The more we relax, the more turned on we can feel, and the more our bodies can respond naturally.

There is no sense of performance or pressure, just connection.

Try simply lying together and paying attention to what feels good in your body.

Many of us hold our breath when we are tense, which leads to numbness.

So breathe slowly for 15 minutes together – and don’t worry about what’s going on for the other person.

INVITE PLEASURE

There is often one partner who feels they initiate sex all the time (and feels rejected if the answer is always no), and another who feels the pressure to say yes to said initiation.

A softer way to approach things, according to consultant clinical psychologist Dr Karen Gurney, is a more casual invitation to cuddle on the sofa or share a bath without the end goal of sex.

Yes, sex might happen, but if it doesn’t, a kiss can be enough to make you feel wanted and excited.

Emily Nagoski explores this in her book Come As You Are.

Many of us worry there’s a lack of desire in our relationship, but she suggests focusing on what feels good, rather than desire.

“Desire is not what matters, nor ‘keeping the spark alive’. Pleasure is what matters,” she says.

Does a gentle stroke of the arm feel good? Having your hair played with?

Focus on getting that more often, rather than having sex for the sake of it.

BUILD SEXUAL CURRENCY

In her new book How Not To Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life, Dr Gurney says that it doesn’t matter how much sex you are having.

What matters is building “sexual currency” – things such as sharing kisses and compliments, and displaying touch and affection in your relationship.

She also believes that engaging in “self-expanding” activities – such as pottery or cooking a new dish together – helps us see our partner in a new light, which can boost attraction.

Another great tip from Dr Gurney is that, if you’re busy with kids and a job and struggling to see why you would ever want sex again, a bit of gentle titillation with audio erotica on the commute home may help – try apps such as Quinn and Dipsea.

HAVE MONTHLY SEXUAL CHATS

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For many of us, the thought of scheduling a monthly sex meeting is enough to have us join a nunnery.

But according to Emily Morse: “Communication is the best lubrication,” and the more you talk about sex, the better it will be.

In her book Smart Sex, she suggests scheduling a monthly meeting to ask questions such as: “What can I do more of to make sex satisfying for you?”, or: “Can I share something I’d like more of during sex?”

Always have these chats outside of the bedroom, when neither of you are tired, irritated or hungry, and limit the conversations to around 10 minutes.

This is not a time to criticise – and remember to be patient and compassionate.

MOVE PAST PENETRATION

Many of us still think of sex as being just penetration, though it is so much more than that.

Our old-fashioned ideas put men under pressure to perform and leave women who don’t orgasm from penetration dissatisfied.

This can further cement the “orgasm gap” – according to a YouGov survey, men climax twice as much as women (61 per cent compared to 30 per cent, respectively).

In her book Mind The Gap, Dr Gurney outlines a simple solution – namely, to stop focusing on penetration and instead spend time using mouths, hands and toys to see what delicious fun you can have. Enjoy!