Tottenham 1-2 West Ham: Player ratings to the theme of Pantone Spring 2024 colors

OK, after an infuriating loss at home to West Ham at home on a Thursday night — the kind of match where you start to wonder why the hell you put up with this crap over and over again just to get disappointed (again!) when it seems to matter, when you wonder whether Ange-Ball is actually worth it, when the vibes get sucker-punched and then dragged out behind the stadium and tossed into a dumpster — that’s the time to start looking at pretty colors.

Well, I guess they’re not always “pretty.” Pantone released their Color of the Year for 2024 and it’s this — Peach Fuzz. I guess it’s supposed to be fun and fruity and, well, “peachy-keen,” all mimosas and taffeta and stuff. This time I feel like Pantone’s trying too hard. This color goes straight in the bin.

But it’s not all bad. Some of you who’ve been around the site a while know that I occasionally go back to this well every couple of years for themes, usually after a bad loss. In today’s version we’re looking at the swatch set designed for the Spring 2024 London Fashion Week. I don’t know what the overlap is between Tottenham Hotspur supporters and London Fashion Week attendees, but I figure the circles can’t be COMPLETELY separate, right? And if anyone’s going to fit that overlap on the venn diagram, they’re probably reading this blog.

So after a crappy loss, let’s look at some color swatches. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Pantone Spring 2024 London Fashion Week swatches.

5 stars: Horizon Blue

Pantone describes Horizon Blue as “where the sea meets the sky.” I’ve been to beaches in the Virgin Islands and this is a pretty dang accurate description of what that water looks like. It’s pretty. I like looking at it. Clear five stars.

Yeah, no Tottenham players were this good. Obviously.

4 stars: Charlock

OK, real talk I had to look up what a “charlock” was — it’s an edible wild green in the Brassicaceae family, similar to other kinds of wild mustards. The greens themselves are… well, green, but this color does look awfully close to its springtime blooming flowers. I like it. As yellows go, it’s bright, fresh, and clean looking. Quite nice and evocative of early spring. And yes, for you old heads, Charlock is also the name of a castle in the Dragon Quest video game. Yep, that’s where you heard it first. You’re welcome.

Yeah, there aren’t any Tottenham players here either. Sucks to suck.

3.5 stars: Sun Orange

I like a good orange, and this seems to fit the bill. That said, I always associate these moderately darker shades of orange with fall leaves, not with spring. Still looking at this swatch kinda makes me a little happier, which is always a good thing after a stupid loss to West Ham, so…

Cuti Romero (Community — 3.5): Welcome back, Cuti. Looks like we missed you more than we realized. Rose high to head home Spurs’ opener, battled hard and did for the most part a good job. Seemed to tire late, which makes sense.

Pedro Porro (Community — 3.5): One of the few bright spots for Spurs in that match. Looked lively on both sides of the pitch and put a ball on a plate for Richarlison.

3 stars: Bistro Green

I dunno. It’s not that this is a bad color — it’s not. And when you’re doing high fashion you can’t pick all bright and flashy shades, because something has to contrast with those, to provide a more subdued palate onto which those flashy colors can pop. But I’m just not FEELING this swatch, y’all. Pantone describes it as “a hearty green tone with a substantial presence.” I guess? What’s the opposite of “much of a muchness?” It’s this.

Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 3.0): Not the best match I’ve ever seen Googly Elmo play. Hard to blame him for the double-doink goal, and did I guess the only thing he could do with that horrific backpass, but if West Ham hadn’t scored he’d likely have conceded an indirect free kick in the box. IDK, I guess I just don’t blame him at all for what happened. Maybe I should.

Ben Davies (Community — 3.0): I’m feeling a little generous here, but I’m not sure Davies did a whole lot wrong against West Ham. Two unlucky goals but I’m not sure he had much to do with either of them.

Giovani Lo Celso (Community — 3.0): Looked like he might score three goals in three after he forced a good save from Fabianski, but faded (along with the rest of the team) in the second half.

Ange Postecoglou (Community — 2.5): I dunno what to do with Ange in this half. On the one hand I’m not sure he set the team up right. On the other, there’s not much more he could’ve done? Just a bad game and he was rightfully peeved with that performance. But he won’t change (and shouldn’t).

2.5 stars: Spicy Mustard

There are a lot of good yellows out there. This is not one of them. Gross.

Destiny Udogie (Community — 2.5): When you play young players sometimes you get young player matches. This felt like one of them. Had some good moments, and probably more bad ones, none worse than that backpass to Vicario.

Yves Bissouma (Community — 2.5): Still looks like something is off since his return.

Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): Never really got off to a good start, though in fairness it’s not like he was getting a lot of service either. Did some good “captaining” by calling the team “soft” afterwards.

Richarlison (Community — 2.5): I maintain that missed header was deceptively difficult to get on target, but still. Richy. Bro.

2 stars: Burnished Lilac

Look Pantone, you can give it a sexy name, make a model strut down a walkway wearing it during London Fashion Week, and try and make fetch happen, but I know mauve when I see it and this is definitely mauve. I think my grandmother’s bathroom was this color. Hard pass.

Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (Community — 2.5): After a promising match against City, he really regressed in this one. A disastrous second half and was rightfully yanked.

Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 2.5): Really struggled to break down the Moyes low block. One of, if not the, poorest matches he’s had this season.

Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.0): “Life’s but a walking shadow; a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” (He’s not an idiot, but you get me, right?)

Oliver Skipp (Community — 2.0): Came on as an impact substitute and did not impact the match at all.

1 star: Chutney

Most chutneys are delicious and are actually pretty close to this color, so fair play, Pantone. That said, this is the closest color in the swatches to Taupe Haze, ipso facto.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Chutney (the color, not the condiment. The condiment is 5 stars).

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

Pape Sarr, Bryan Gil