WHETHER you’re an energetic 20-something, a newly married 35 year old trying for a baby, or 51 and menopausal, there’s one thing that unites us all: our sex drive.
Sometimes it’s crazy high, leaving you ravenous for a romp between the sheets, and at other times it might plummet so much that the thought of even being touched is enough to send you running for the hills.
The libido – especially for women – goes through quite a journey as you navigate life, with 34% of us having low libido at any one time, compared to 15% of men, according to the University of Glasgow.
But what’s happening as we age, and how can we ensure our sex drive stays lively, whichever stage of life we’re in?
In your 20s…
“We are in our sexual prime in our 20s,” says Moraya Seeger DeGeare, relationship expert at Paired app.
On the flip side, it’s the decade when you’re most likely to be using birth control.
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“Some evidence suggests oral contraception may decrease sexual desire,” says Dr Jordan Rullo, clinical health psychologist and sex therapist at menstrual tracker app Flo Health.
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Learn more “Books, podcasts and TED Talks can all help you to build a sensual relationship with your own body, so you can explore what feels good and what you like,” says Kate Moyle, sex and relationships expert at intimate lifestyle company Lelo.
Try Kate’s podcast The Sexual Wellness Sessions and Ruby Rare’s book Sex Ed: A Guide For Adults.
Track it If you think your birth control is potentially muting a good time, speak to your GP.
Non-hormonal alternatives include condoms and the copper IUD. Tracking your menstrual cycle and symptoms via apps, such as Flo and Natural Cycles, can also help you know when your sex drive is soaring.
“Plan sex around high-drive weeks by letting your partner know,” says Dr Rullo.
In your 30s…
This decade is when you start getting clearer about what you want sexually, but career stress, children and mortgages can dampen libido.
“Self-care time is heavily impacted, which in turn affects sex, both in having time to connect and how you feel about your changing body,” says Moraya.
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Your partner may have issues, too.
“Men may feel like their partner’s attention has turned toward the kids and away from them,” says Dr Rullo.
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Schedule it in: Just 5-10-minute slots for sexiness a couple of times a week is enough.
“For people in long-term relationships, self-pleasure can fall by the wayside.
A little ‘me-time’ can do wonders for your sex drive,” adds Moraya. Set aside time to chat, too, about how you’re feeling – communication is key.
Practise mindfulness “It allows women to get out of their heads and back in their bodies, so they’re focusing on the sensations of sexual moments,” says Moraya.
Practise this before sex. Give yourself time to get in the mood and be present in the moment.
In your 40s…
“In long-term relationships, emotional distance can cause a dwindling sex life,” says Moraya.
Research by relationships app Paired found that a decade in, there’s a 30% drop in couples holding hands.
A reduction in oestrogen can also impact a woman’s sex drive.
“Vaginal dryness can reduce desire, as it can lead to sexual pain,” says Dr Rullo.
“Lubricant and moisturiser, as well as HRT are all options.”
However, this decade can prove to be very empowering.
“Many women know their bodies and what turns them on,” adds Kate Rowe-Ham, founder of Owning Your Menopause app.
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Be intimate in other ways Just touching can make a difference — a hug, holding hands or even a back scratch.
“Small acts of intimacy can have huge positive repercussions on a relationship,” says Kate.
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Lift weights: To help maintain libido-loving testosterone levels, do two to three resistance-based workouts a week.
Aim for 20 minutes, using bands, dumb-bells or tins of beans.
For moves, search “KateRH_Fitness” on YouTube.
In your 50s…
Menopause symptoms are likely in play (the average age of menopause in the UK is 51), but self-belief is on the up.
“Many people feel most confident in themselves in their 50s and sex can be part of that,” says Kate Moyle.
“Some may also go through the process of their children leaving home and this can give a couple back space and privacy at home.”
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Eat libido-loving foods “Oysters, avocado, blueberries, spinach and sweet potato are all considered ‘foods of love’,” says Kate Rowe-Ham.
Avoid alcohol and fatty foods. “You may think booze will get you in the mood, but it can have the opposite effect.”
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Try a toy “You may need to spend more time on non-penetrative sex, touch and increase sensuality using sex toys to feel turned on,” says Kate Moyle.
Try Lelo Tiani 3, £129 – this couples’ massager has eight vibration settings and it even bends to suit your body shape.
In your 60s…
“Erectile dysfunction is not uncommon in this age group,” says Kate Moyle.
“Typically there’s a reduction in activity in line with ageing, as sexual stamina may not be what it was.”
However, some may experience a sexual reawakening – but proceed with caution!
“There are higher rates of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) starting in this decade of life due to lack of safe sex,” warns Dr Rullo.
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Spice things up: Watch sexy TV shows with your partner, read or listen to a steamy book (check out Audible’s erotic fiction) or explore role-play.
Work on your health Stay active, eat nutritious food, prioritise sleep and keep on top of your health checks.
In your 70s and beyond…
“Your physical ability to have sex will change and this can be a huge mental struggle.
“From arthritis and painful joints to medication and mobility, it’s important to listen to your body and work with it,” says Moraya.
“But don’t let age, or society’s negative stereotypes about age and sexuality, deter you,” adds Dr Rullo.
“You can still have great sex.”
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Be open to someone new “If desire is low because you no longer have a partner, mature dating sites and apps, like OurTime and Silver Seniors, can help find someone that might spark your desire,” says Dr Rullo.
Make it comfy: Not feeling as limber as you once did?
“Use cushions for physical props, while lubricant can make penetration more comfortable,” says Kate Moyle.
“Being less goal-orientated on the big ‘O’ can also help you focus on the pleasure and meaning of being close during sex, too.”
- Worried about a low libido? If you think it could be related to medication you’re taking, or if it doesn’t bounce back after pregnancy, speak to your GP.